26 pieces Of Advice Before You Turn 26

1.  First of all, never become the kind of person who writes blog posts about the things someone should know before they reach a certain age. In the worst case scenario, where you find yourself writing such a post, stop and go outside, run a mile, maybe start learning a language. Literally, do anything else you can think of doing. Even lying down and making snow angels on your dirty floor is better than continuing to write an X Pieces Of Advice Before You Turn Age X. ANYTHING. I mean it.

2. Listen better

3. Stay at the same job for longer than a year. I’m not saying if you hate your job you should stay; you (probably) shouldn’t. Choose a path, make connections, kiss some butt, do a job as well as you can – though that’s not overly important – and stick with it until a more comfortable position comes along. Depressing, sure. True, absolutely.

4. Knowing how to properly kiss a vagina or penis seems like it’d be important, if you listened to the internet, but it isn’t. I’m not saying you should purposefully be bad at that kind of thing. It’s just, don’t worry about trying to get better at it by reading about it on the internet, or by practicing on a banana or whatever. Just fall in love with someone who communicates.

5. Staying in shape is good. When you arrive to your mid twenties, perhaps late twenties, there will come a moment when you happen to see a picture of yourself from your early twenties or late teens and you may realize your body has changed. Because up until that point you’ve done pretty much nothing outside of your daily job, or intramural sports with friends, to keep yourself in shape. And by the time you realize it you’ve dug yourself such a deep hole that getting back out of it can seem kind of pointless, considering you may now have children or a job or something else taking most up your time. So, stay in shape. I’d say a good rule of thumb is when you reach the age of 26, if you have an office job, change your diet from “I eat anything before me” to something like “I eat things that are green sometimes.” Listen, I’m just trying to save you from years of embarrassing Crossfit. I'm in excellent shape and you should be too.

6. Find a hobby other than drinking.

7. Don’t worry about your hair so much. Everybody has to deal with getting older. Nothing is happening for a reason. Everything is just happening, like everything else.

8. Have confidence. You like being self-effacing, I know. And that’s admirable, in a way, but erring on the side of cocky is not always a bad thing.

9. Don’t waste your time trying to be an artist. It will get you nowhere in life, and in fact sometimes it will make you a worse person than you would’ve been had you not tried to be one. Because it will make you jealous and bitter and resentful for reasons you don’t even understand. So, do anything else.

10. Call your mom and dad more often. I know you’ll be going through points in your life when you can’t do much more than sleep and worry. But in the good times, or even the halfway good, call them.

11. Worry less about everything.

12. Learn foreign languages.

13. Watch out for steel falling on your head, if you plan to work at a steel factory. Also, don’t work at a steel factory.

14. Just do the thing you want to do…until you can’t do it anymore.

15. Invest in stocks that go up and don’t invest in ones that go down.

16. Take more risks. The more risks you take, the better off you’ll be. Or the worse off, I don’t actually know.

17. Buy fewer video games and music and random junk and instead buy high-quality clothes and luggage and goods that last a long time and increase in value.

18. Always bet on the most boring sports team - or the team you want to win the least – and you will be rich.

19. There’s a guy named (fill in the blank) who will be the worst boss you’ve ever had. Don’t be such a wuss around him. You’re going to quit the job anyway, so don’t take much crap.

20. Go on the internet less

21. Again, once more for emphasis, do the thing you want to do. How much time can one person spend worrying about not doing it anyway?

22. Don’t text and drive, or drink and drive, or just don’t drive at all. Get a bike and live in the city. Honestly, that’s your best bet.

23. Plan ahead. I’m really not much of a help for what that “plan” should be. Just make a plan.

24. Get better at math, or science, or be really good at being a jerk or bossing people around. That’s where the money is.

25. Try not to believe God is punishing you for every “bad” thing you do. Getting undressed with someone and that someone touching your nipples or butt has no bearing on what’s going to happen after you die.

26. Believe in yourself. Because when you believe in yourself you believe in me and when you believe in me you get this pointless lists that takes you nowhere. Actually, forget everything I said. Goodbye.

Butt Stuff, And Other Weird Acts Your Relationship Might Be Missing

Relationships are great because you have a partner in crime, regular sex, and the thrill of being in love. But those things are nothing compared to the real reason being someone’s someone is the shit: You get to be totally gross and totally weird pretty much whenever. 

When you just start dating, you spend hours primping before you see each other and have polite conversations. When you’re in the thick of a serious relationship, you can be like, “Hey, I watched Wayne’s World three times this week and yes, that’s period blood on my sweatpants.”  I have been told this in the past. 

If you’ve been with someone for a hot minute and you’re still keeping everything above board, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not saying you should turn into a swamp monster, but it’s important that you guys are comfortable enough to get at least a little weird. I guess what I’m saying can be encompassed by a Seal lyric, “We’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy.” Anyway, here’s some weird shit you can/should be doing with your love. 

PERSONAL NARRATIVES FOR YOUR PETS....

If you don’t talk about your dog or cat like s/he has a full-time job, an illustrious history of breaking laws or a first responder, you’re doing it wrong.  Before I met my last girlfriend, I’d often daydream that my German Shepard, Luna, is a lawyer who moved to America from France, where she pranced around the countryside in knee socks and a cap.

But since we’ve watched A Time to Kill, we decided that Luna was on the jury in the case of a black man who murdered the men who raped and killed his young daughter.  The movie’s set in Canton, Mississippi and the general vibe is that Canton was not a chill place to be a black man on trial for murder. Matthew McConaughey saves the day by describing to the jury the brutal details of the rape and murder of this young girl. It’s emotional and disturbing and totally heartbreaking but he knows that’s not enough to get the jury to let a black man free, so he ends his speech with this killer line, “Now imagine she was white.” Everyone on the jury is super ashamed of their racism and the verdict comes back as not guilty. Well, we would regularly ask Luna what it was like when she had to “imagine she was white” and it’s completely stupid but also the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. It’s a dumb joke, but it brought the three of us closer together every time we would mention it. So, you know, get creative. Watch some 90s dramas and run with it. 

 BUTT STUFF...

I’m not talking about the kind of butt stuff you’re probably thinking of, but you probably should be doing that too.  What I’m talking about is taking every opportunity you get to swipe an iTunes gift card over the ass of your significant other’s jeans. I’m talking about sticking your foot out on the couch just as your girlfriend/boyfriend is about to sit down so that, for a brief moment, your foot is in her/his behind and they jumps up like, “What the fuck?” I’m talking about slapping your boyfriend/girlfriends butt when they looking in the freezer and least expecting it and never letting an opportunity to grab it in public when no one’s looking pass. As a kid my dad was a big believer in “up your butt” being the answer to almost any question that you’re ever asked. Where’s the remote? Probably up your butt. Have you seen my keys? Yeah, up your butt. What happened to the rest of the wine? Babe, it’s up your butt. 

 PICKING AND TWEEZING...

Sorry, there’s nothing more satisfying than being able to pop someone’s zits. And your platonic friends are no good for that shit. You can’t ask one of your friends to put their head in your lap so you can Tweeze a hair you’ve spotted in an inappropriate place. I would argue that the sole reason for a long-term relationship is that you always have someone to answer, “Hey, is that a pimple on my back or a mole?”

 UGLY DANCING AND SINGING...

Most of us can’t dance or sing for shit and because of that, we often hold back on our impulse to sing along to oldies as loud as possible or dance to records in your living room. But when someone loves you, they’ve probably seen you fully naked and swallowed a fair amount of your spit, so why the fuck wouldn’t you belt out a pop song you barely know the lyrics to? Why wouldn’t you unleash “dance moves”? Basically, you can dance naked for hours in your room like you did when you were single, except someone’s there to watch and you’re totally cool with it. 

 DISGUSTING EATING HABITS...

Go ahead, admit that you like bacon on your pizza and dip Fritos in cream cheese. Knock out a box of Bagel Bites like nobody’s watching. I personally like all these things and apples dipped into nacho cheese. Drink an entire six pack of root beer without even thinking about it because the person you’re with totally doesn’t care. I’m not saying you should become morbidly obese, but when you really love someone, you can watch them down an entire cheeseburger and still think they’re the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Quit ordering light, get three appetizers AND the pulled pork. You’re safe here.

Playing devil's advocate with the voices in my head

It was very difficult to write this because I couldn't just think of things off the top of my head to put in this post. I had to really think about the things that go on in my head. when I would lay down and think about the last hour or so I had just passed, I would think of the things the voices in my head said and I would argue about them.

First of all, I would like to point out that the voices in your head are NOT always right! There is one little voice that serves a purpose of lowering my self-esteem. I'm sure I am not the only one with this voice. You ever wonder why it takes girls so long to get ready? Its because of this voice telling them they are not good enough. Always comparing themselves and even if they are a confident person, deep down there is still that one voice telling them "No, don't go out like that" or "Really? Your going to wear that?" According to my friend, those are what her voices say to her specifically.
DON'T GIVE IN TO THIS VOICE! Like, what is this shit? If any of the other voices in my head could just put a muzzle on this guy, that would be great! THANKS!

I once had a friend that had a bad habit of playing devils advocate, not so much with the voices in his head, but rather with other people. If someone voiced an opinion he would have a tendency to formulate all the ways in which that person may be wrong or ways in which he could counter attack that opinion. He would do this regardless of whose opinion he actually agreed with. It was sort of like "Socratic Questioning" and if you don't know what that is, its questioning that leads people to contradict themselves. He was more concerned with people using sound logic rather than actual opinions themselves. If people seemed to be very sure of something, then he would feel the need to test their logic. This can be very cynical and negative. These voices in his head had such control over him that he had very few real opinions himself. He would tend to destroy opinions into deconstructive absurdity. Don't let these voices have such an impact on you, that you are looked down upon by society.

It may not seem like it, but yes the voices in your head are there to help you make your decisions. The following are things that I do or think about rather often and I think a lot of you may be able to relate. Soooo...here it goes...

What happens when you lose your keys? Your voices beat you up.

You get a speeding ticket? Beat yourself up.

Stub your toe? Beat yourself up.

Person looks at you funny? Beat THEM up! just kidding.

-I need to go to bed, seriously I have to get up early.

 Ugh I want caffeine, I should really do something about my caffeine addiction, I really want some though, OOoooh and Tacos...


-Get off facebook and type your paper!
 Yah I will just let word processor load for a bit..
 Oh shes dating a new guy now? Well good for her!
 Facebook chat? I think YES!
 NO! Paper due tomorrow! Must. type. paper!
 What am I doing my paper over? Lets ask someone
 ORRR OR OOORRR... I will check my news feed
 whore. whore. asshole. bitch. complains to much. OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?
 yeh I think I will just write my paper in the morning...

Do fish get cramps after they eat?

Superman, why do you duck when someone throws something at you? You can stop a bullet with your chest.

Golfing would be sooo much cooler if air cannons replaced drivers, air pistols for putting, Black Eyed Peas were the holes and the balls exploded.

Im hungry
Am I really hungry?
No, I think I am just bored
No but food sounds so good
Who wants paaancaaaakkeesss?

There you have it, some of the voices in my head, what do yours tell you?

How books changed my life

I grew up in a small town where everyone and everything was the same - same people every day, same story, same expectations... It was not until I started reading for pleasure that I discovered a much bigger world beyond the one I knew growing up. A world that encompassed other worlds, other civilizations, other cultures, many other types of people and beliefs. I learned, through reading, that I could be whoever I chose to be - even if it was different than those around me - and I would find like minded people out there in the world. Books changed my life, my outlook, my morals, my intellect (absolutely) - my world was opened by books.

I had a teacher back in the day that told me that "Writers write to change people, readers read to become changed." You see, I have learned far more from reading books than anything I was taught in school. I feel like I am more alive, a better person. My advice to you is, open a book and watch the world change around you.