Relationships are great because you have a
partner in crime, regular sex, and the thrill of being in love. But
those things are nothing compared to the real reason being someone’s
someone is the shit: You get to be totally gross and totally weird
pretty much whenever.
When you just start dating, you spend hours primping
before you see each other and have polite conversations. When you’re in
the thick of a serious relationship, you can be like, “Hey, I watched Wayne’s World three times this week and yes, that’s period blood on my sweatpants.” I have been told this in the past.
If you’ve been with someone for a hot minute and you’re
still keeping everything above board, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not
saying you should turn into a swamp monster, but it’s important that you
guys are comfortable enough to get at least a little weird. I guess what I’m saying can be encompassed by a Seal lyric, “We’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy.” Anyway, here’s some weird shit you can/should be doing with your love.
PERSONAL NARRATIVES FOR YOUR PETS....
If you don’t talk about your dog or cat like s/he has a
full-time job, an illustrious history of breaking laws or a first
responder, you’re doing it wrong. Before I met my last girlfriend, I’d often daydream that my German Shepard, Luna, is a lawyer who moved to America from France,
where she pranced around the countryside in knee socks and a cap.
But since we’ve watched A Time to Kill,
we decided that Luna was on the jury in the case of a black man who
murdered the men who raped and killed his young daughter. The
movie’s set in Canton, Mississippi and the general vibe is that Canton
was not a chill place to be a black man on trial for murder. Matthew
McConaughey saves the day by describing to the jury the brutal details
of the rape and murder of this young girl. It’s emotional and disturbing
and totally heartbreaking but he knows that’s not enough to get the
jury to let a black man free, so he ends his speech with this killer
line, “Now imagine she was white.” Everyone on the jury is super ashamed of their racism and the verdict comes back as not guilty. Well, we would regularly ask Luna what it was like when
she had to “imagine she was white” and it’s completely stupid but also
the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. It’s a dumb joke, but it
brought the three of us closer together every time we would mention it. So, you know, get creative. Watch some 90s dramas and run with it.
BUTT STUFF...
I’m not talking about the kind of butt stuff you’re probably thinking of, but you probably should be doing that too. What I’m talking about is taking every opportunity you
get to swipe an iTunes gift card over the ass of your significant
other’s jeans. I’m talking about sticking your foot out on the couch
just as your girlfriend/boyfriend is about to sit down so that, for a brief moment,
your foot is in her/his behind and they jumps up like, “What the fuck?” I’m talking about slapping your boyfriend/girlfriends butt when they looking in the freezer and least expecting it and never letting an
opportunity to grab it in public when no one’s looking pass. As a kid my dad was a big believer in “up your butt” being the
answer to almost any question that you’re ever asked. Where’s the
remote? Probably up your butt. Have you seen my keys? Yeah, up your
butt. What happened to the rest of the wine? Babe, it’s up your butt.
PICKING AND TWEEZING...
Sorry, there’s nothing more satisfying
than being able to pop someone’s zits. And your platonic friends are no
good for that shit. You can’t ask one of your friends to put their head
in your lap so you can Tweeze a hair you’ve spotted in an inappropriate
place. I would argue that the sole reason for a
long-term relationship is that you always have someone to answer, “Hey,
is that a pimple on my back or a mole?”
UGLY DANCING AND SINGING...
Most of us can’t dance or sing for shit
and because of that, we often hold back on our impulse to sing along to
oldies as loud as possible or dance to records in your living room. But when someone loves you, they’ve
probably seen you fully naked and swallowed a fair amount of your spit,
so why the fuck wouldn’t you belt out a pop song you barely know the
lyrics to? Why wouldn’t you unleash “dance moves”? Basically, you can dance naked for hours
in your room like you did when you were single, except someone’s there
to watch and you’re totally cool with it.
DISGUSTING EATING HABITS...
Go ahead, admit that you like bacon on
your pizza and dip Fritos in cream cheese. Knock out a box of Bagel
Bites like nobody’s watching. I personally like all these things and apples dipped into nacho cheese. Drink an entire six pack of root beer
without even thinking about it because the person you’re with totally doesn’t care. I’m not saying you should become morbidly
obese, but when you really love someone, you can watch them down an
entire cheeseburger and still think they’re the cutest thing you’ve
ever seen. Quit ordering light, get three appetizers AND the pulled
pork. You’re safe here.
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